Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
