Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
