my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
