I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
