I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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