My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
