first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
