your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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