does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
