you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize