They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
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