You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize