We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I need a beard to bite.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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