I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I party with great urgency now.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
