found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
