Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
