why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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