I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
