Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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