i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
