either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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