my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
