4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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