New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Randomize
