I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Is her dick bigger than yours?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
