I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
