You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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