i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
