Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Randomize
