You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
