I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
