Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Houston, we have a squirter
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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