I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
