Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
