I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
