cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
