We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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