I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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