My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
