OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
