Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
