i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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