Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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