Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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