happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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