apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
