I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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