Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
