thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
