I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
