Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
