there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
