Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
