In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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