I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
