Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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