I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I have aggressive nipples.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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