drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
