I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
