Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
